The events of the last few days have brought renewal to my spirit and new energy for this journey.
I feel alive in a way that I haven’t in quite a few months.
To be fair, the months that mark the time since I last visited Florida to set aside extended time for this journey have been rough. School has tried pretty hard to chew me up and spit me out. I’ve been working on establishing a new normal at home in grandma’s basement and sorting out my own boundaries with family around that. Life after finding your grandma collapsed in the midst of a major cardiac event is a bit challenging, especially when the living situation was already rather fraught.
And honestly, it’s taken me a while to adjust to the new realities of my spiritual journey. The shift from “if I become Catholic” to “when I become Catholic” hasn’t been the easiest one for me to process. It’s brought with it the reality that all those questions about how my family will respond aren’t going to be hypothetical much longer. That is quite frankly a pretty terrifying and emotional thought.
But even with all that in the background, I feel renewed from the last few days – from the progress forward in this journey, from the encouragement from far away friends. For the first time in a long while the joy and excitement of a new place in my relationship with Christ is outweighing the overwhelming fear of the journey. I feel able again to read and study and ask questions without resenting the journey. (In fact I filled two journal pages with fresh questions before during and after mass last night!)
And then there’s this – the ongoing longing to partake in the Eucharist seems to have multiplied again. I was in tears at mass last night as I watched others partake. That multiplied longing acts only as confirmation of renewed forward energy and joy – it becomes a driving forward motion even as it incites questions and sometimes tears.
I’m feeling alive in this journey and I’m celebrating that today.