To Go or Not to Go?

I’m having a crisis of confidence as I make plans for this afternoon.

I’m invited to attend a picnic/baptism/baby dedication gathering beside a river, hosted by the network of house churches that I was a part of for the last four years or so. The group of people who nurtured my flagging faith in the years after the disaster that was a prayer/mission trip in Malta, who gave me a safe place to ask questions, and slowly to heal and find a wholeness I’d never dreamt of.  The community whose leader’s retreat was the place where I first honestly said out loud that I thought I was being called to Catholicism.  The community whose weekend retreat just before this last Lenten season was a place of renewal and blessing as I moved forward on that journey towards Catholicism. They are people I love and trust.

And so I’m sitting here this morning weighing that invitation against the loneliness I feel in this journey.  I find myself wondering if joining this group of people to celebrate will ease that loneliness or intensify it.  It could go either way.

It could ease it – being around people I appreciate.  People who are pursuing Christ wholeheartedly.  Getting hugs, celebrating with them, and the guaranteed laughter that comes when this group gathers.

Or it could exacerbate it – knowing that I am called to something entirely different from this body.  That I am called away from them to this crazy new journey.  It could be a reminder of the isolation that I’ve felt so strongly this week – the lack of people with whom to walk through this crazy season of transition to Catholicism.

I don’t know which way I’ll go.  At this moment I’m leaning towards attending, collecting a few hugs, celebrating the baptisms.  But going with gentleness towards myself, and the permission to slip out if the pain of my journey becomes too great. We’ll see…

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One Response to To Go or Not to Go?

  1. Pingback: Reflecting on a Challenging Weekend | For a Land I Will Show You

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