I had a moment of perfect clarity and hope a little while ago. A moment where the weight of this journey that I’ve been carrying lifted. That’s been rare lately, and it’s worth recording in this place.
It happened as I set down the book I’ve been reading on this snow day, and headed for the shower. The book has challenged my heart – reminding me of some of the things that the Holy Spirit has planted most deeply within me in the eight years since that November 1st late night moment of profound healing and encounter, sitting in a friend’s car.
The book I’ve been reading – a novel by Nancy Rue – has reminded me of thoughts about healing, about feeding people, about binding up the broken. And as I headed for the shower, those reminders settled into my heart in a way that was startling. In that moment, I knew somehow, that I would be ok. That whether my baptism is declared valid, and I move forward with joining the Catholic church, or whether it is declared invalid, and I move in another direction, continuing to follow the convictions God has placed in my heart regarding that issue, I’m going to be okay. I knew again, in a way that I haven’t for a very long time, that there are things that I have been called to, and that the One who has called me is faithful.
And so I’m thinking about feeding people – about food as sacramental. And I’m thinking about serving the most broken and seeing healing – physical, emotional, spiritual. And I’m thinking about how Jesus is at the center of those things for me. And I know that if He has truly called me to this, He really will be faithful to see it play out in my life, and to lead me to the places I need to be – whether that looks right now like becoming Catholic or not.
That sort of clarity and peace has been rare lately. The feeling of the burdens I’ve been carrying having been lifted has been equally rare. And those are reasons enough to write this here. Because tomorrow, or next week, or next month, when my faith is waning and the weight seems more than I can bear, I’m going to need the reminder of a moment when Jesus spoke peace into the chaos. I’m going to need to remind myself of His faithfulness.
As I climbed into the shower, this was the song that began playing through my heart, sealing what had just been whispered there: