Feeling Fragmented

My most inspired moments for writing have almost always seemed to happen late at night.  That’s disconcerting for someone who is now often in bed by 9pm, or just getting up at 8pm, depending on whether I’m working days or nights on that particular occasion.  It might be why writing has been a trickle instead of a cascade these last few years.

But tonight I’m starting the process of once again flipping from days to nights, and so I’m up past 9pm and pondering.

Life feels fragmented these days – it started feeling that way as I began to circumspectly explore Catholicism a few years back, and now that that’s all out in the open and I’ve joined the church, it still feels that way.

I feel like a thousand different people all contained within one body some days, and I miss the way all those bits and pieces used to fit together into a more integrated whole – I miss that comfort level that just isn’t there as I continue in newish seasons in a number of areas of my life.

I am catholic Lisa and writer Lisa, nurse Lisa and friend Lisa, sister Lisa, daughter Lisa, auntie Lisa, pastor’s kid Lisa, charismatic Lisa, evangelical Lisa, faith centered Lisa and loves to watch television Lisa, hungry to learn and grow Lisa, and hasn’t read anything but crappy romance novels in months because it’s all my brain can handle Lisa.

I’m trying to find my way in a bunch of new arenas and it feels awkward.

I love being Catholic, but so far I’ve met very few actual Catholics with whom I connect.  I still don’t quite fit anywhere.  I had an encounter today that reminded me of that – that reminded me that my Catholicism is still and may always be deeply shaped and influenced by 30 years of evangelical formation.

And nurse Lisa, well, that part of my life feels wonderful.  I’m still juggling and totally overwhelmed by the amount of specialized knowledge that my life requires, but sometimes, working night shift in a labor room, I feel less fragmented than anywhere else.  A birthing room is a thin place – a place that is holy.  No matter who or what the couple or situation is, whether the outcome is positive, filled with drama, or one of the heartbreaking realities that can also be part of my job, that is a holy place, where I get to participate with a family in their most intimate moments.  It’s a place that drives me to prayer – that reminds me of learning to pray to the saints from Ewan, and has me crying out gratitude to Jesus.

Sigh.  I’m feeling discombobulated tonight, and I think this post might be reflecting that.  One of the things I miss most these days are the friends with whom I can process and pray and think and learn.  Where I don’t have to be catholic Lisa or nurse Lisa or any of my other roles, but I can simply be me – journeying, asking questions, and not feeling like I need to hide this part or that part of myself.  I think sometimes that the lack of some of those friends living nearby is one of the things contributing to that fragmented feeling, and I’m not quite sure how to bridge that gap.

And with that, I need a bed! These thoughts are too heady for someone who usually would have been asleep a couple of hours ago. (half-smile) I’m pondering and praying and inviting you to do the same.

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One Response to Feeling Fragmented

  1. Pingback: Still Keeping Me Company | For a Land I Will Show You

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